What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 23:50
We all went to grammer schools
I was seconnd youngest,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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(And it was in our own minds.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Overthinking is killing me day-by-day. What should I do?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I said to her
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I couldn’t, believe it.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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But, we were locked up after school.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why do people procrastinate and how can they stop?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She wouldn,t have been !
I don,t even have a pension.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I write beautiful poetry .
I have no regrets .
Would this be the day?
She married twice! .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Put me off passion for life!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im still living with it.
My life is so biszare .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What did i know ?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is soul school!.
And i lived it daily.
She loved him until the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We were not on the streets..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it wasn’t much.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So, i spoilt her more .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was very sick at this time too.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When she asked me how she looked .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Who then, do I blame.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Comes on , in middle age.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was in good health!
I will be 64.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He knew the spot.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
All the time i was locked up.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I think the readers, may guess!
I waited trembling.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Was to survive, this bastard.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Especially a lifetime of it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot live in the past .
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It was going to be , some day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My family never makes their pension either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ive learnt so much.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .